“FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge” Vice-Chancellor Blatter Survival Shock!

There was astonishment in the academic world today as the FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge confirmed that the current Vice-Chancellor Blatter would continue in his post indefinitely despite recent scandals involving the instant dismissal of their leading academic striker together with his entire family, and the closure of the university’s world-leading tactical research institute. Blatter’s demise had been hotly predicted by the press, although it appears they underestimated the extent of his establishment connections. Blatter is a man with friends in high places each of whom has a lot to lose in the event of his demise. These include the spiritual leader of footballer-academics worldwide, the Archbishop of Registered Soccer Experts - who sponsor the University; the Chief Regulator of Appropriate Penalties, the chief legislator of the University; The Baron of International Training, Competition and Health who glad-hands politicians; the Special Lieutenant Of Breadmaking, who is responsible for University catering, together with members of the university’s Central Office for Watchfulness And Responsibility in Direction and Strategy.

The leading Russian football academic who was the victim of Blatter’s ire, Damienko Markeyovitch was also head of the University player’s association. Blatter accused him of contacting the FBI leading to the arrest of a number of Blatter’s close associates and extensive and rather unflattering press coverage which drew attention, amongst other things, to Blatter’s rather lascivious lifestyle, including his well-known support for suspender belts (see http://news.sky.com/story/858044/how-blatter-climbed-to-the-peak-of-football).

University sources report that the mood in FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge as “desperate”. “The reign of terror continues,” said one academic. Meanwhile, further news has broken concerning the University’s sponsorship of its football team by a scientific company, “Fibalot”, established by the University to develop what is described as new “Ball Technology”. Fibalot describe their recent innovations involving composite materials in ball technology as a ‘revolution in energy harvesting’. They are attempting to market a special alloy coating for footballs comprising Lead and Plutonium. Footballs coated in the Fibalot material act, according to Fibalot, as “energy transducers”, converting player kinetic energy into an atomic chain reaction. This, Fibalot argue, has the win-win advantages of solving the world’s energy crisis, and shortening football games to the benefit of teams using the Fibalot coating. However, the recent FBI investigation has questioned Fibalot’s figures: it appears that demand for the Fibalot coating is not as great as they claim (although the Islamic State Football Association has declared some interest), and that company receipts are close to zero (that is, the negative side of “close”).

Blatter has declared his delight in being confirmed in his position indefinitely by the Central Office for Watchfulness And Responsibility in Direction and Strategy, saying that he would continue with his current strategic projects. These include tripling the size of the FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge campus funded by money taken out as loans by students, increasing the centralised power structures of the university led by the Central University Nastiness Team (and providing them with cut-price mortgages), increasing recruitment to the Committee for Regularised and Orthodox Notions of Institutional Excellence and Success (which has seen a movement of staff from Blatter’s previous institution), extension of the current policy of Staff Happiness Inversion Therapy (which has shown remarkable results in keeping wages down and teaching hours high), and creating a special “STEL centre” (Science, Technology, Engineering and Lust) which will further Blatter’s passionate desire to develop high-tech solutions for helping ugly old men attract women. Furthermore, borrowing the Catholic Church’s philosophy of “catch ‘em young”, Blatter is also about to open a school, the “Children’s Organisation for the Creation of Knowledge on University Premises”, with the intention of pre-loading future sources of finance (children) for his schemes.

Meanwhile, the FBI, the Press, and the rest of the academic community watch in astonishment at his apparent indestructibility. “How can this man possibly survive?” they ask themselves. And other University Vice-Chancellors quietly think, “and how can I emulate him?”