Monday, 6 July 2015

The University of Vulgaria's TIRINI (Teaching-Intensive, Research Is Not Important) Conference: "Practice without Principles!"

The University of Vulgaria is delighted and proud to invite you to compulsorily attend (under pain of death) it's first CONFERENCE reflecting its new strategy of "Teaching-Intensive, Research Is Not Important" (TIRINI) . Our theme is "Practice without Principles", and we are delighted to be sponsored by the University's own hugely successful spin-off companies, including "Student-Catcher Enterprises" headed by Prof. Dr. Zoltan Hubriski, "Fibalot Ltd", maker of the world-famous energy-harvesting 'sex-ray' (courtesy of Prof. Flexi Jerkoffski), and  "CAK Avian Automotives" headed by Lord Professor Sir Fleshski Gordonski, investor in the University's  Flying Car course.

The order of proceedings is as follows:

9am: Welcome by Dame Prof. Dale Ardour who will joyfully address attendees with a special introductory session of her special "Staff Happiness Inversion Therapy", before introducing the supreme ruler, the Emperor Wangski, DH.

9.30am Address by the Emperor Wangski, DH: "How I cemented my power base in a small town using student debt to fund capital building projects and exploiting the Establishment" Please be warned: The Emperor will NOT take questions. Any questions will result in immediate personal termination. For further information on the Emperor's growing property portfolio, please visit:

10am Guest Address: Vice Chancellor of the FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge, Prof. Dr Sepp Blatter: "Watch out for the FBI". We are delighted that Prof. Blatter is able to join us to reflect on his recent tribulations at the FIFA University of Competitive Knowledge, and how the University of Vulgaria might learn from his experiences. Prof. Dr. Blatter will take questions, unless the FBI arrest him before he's finished.


1: "The Fibalot Sex-Ray and the World Energy Crisis" - Prof. Flexi Jerkovski discusses his recent trips to international conferences discussing the Sex-Ray. No actual sex-rays will be demonstrated, although a picture of a mock-up of the sex-ray fitted to a Typhoon fighter jet will be presented as a possible solution to international conflict situations. Prof. Jerkovski will also celebrate Fibalot's success in sponsoring the Vulgarian national football team with a fashion show of the Vulgarian team's new kit featuring dancers from the popular local Vulgarian dance club, "Peppermint Warthog".

2. "How to borrow a screwdriver without getting sacked" - Prof. Dr. Sir Zoltan Hubriski. The tragic recent events that led to a member of staff being sacked for borrowing a screwdriver serve as a reminder to all staff to not to upset any member of the senior management team at any point. Prof. Dr. Sir Zoltan will point out that screwdrivers can safely be borrowed by young, enthusiastic, attractive, and compliant members of staff at all times without recrimination. He will proudly demonstrate the superior CCTV facilities the University possesses for proper surveillance of the attractiveness and compliance of screwdriver borrowers, drawing attention to its new super-zoom X-ray facility.

3. "The TIRINI strategy and the successful closure of research departments" - Dr Ronald McDonaldski, author of the University's "Research strategy", presents the case for closing research departments in the University of Vulgaria, whilst producing marketing literature which makes it appear that there is still research going on. This conceit is, he argues, at the heart of the "Teaching Intensive, Research Is Not Important" strategy. His session will cover ways in which the University can still pretend research is going on, including the establishment of a "Virtual Pedagogical Research Unit" (following the sacking of staff in the real pedagogical research unit), and maintaining the illusion that the University has not become an FE college, so as to justify the Emperor Wangski's huge salary and the loan awarded him by the University to build his own racing track and buy a personal aircraft carrier. This session will suffice to meet the QAA quality criteria in Section 4, part 228, Ch. 17, p5 of the QAA code. (Just in case the inspectors turn up!)

4. "Student Catcher and Child Catcher Innovations" - Prof. Dr Zoltan Hubriski gleefully presents new methods of student entrapment, including the latest innovation: the Vulgarian University 'school'. Prof. Dr. Hubriski explains that by cunningly concealing the covetous intentions of university managers behind the guise of a "school", revenue streams for the University can be protected. Students will be enticed  by happy smiling robots, and the promise of "real" 12-hour working days where they will be (believe it or not!) continually drilling teeth.

5. "Social media etiquette" - Prof. Dr. Zoltan Hubriski will also present on his recent experiences with social media - particularly Twitter - when commenting on the dress-code of children in the Vulgarian University School, and offering 'exam tips'. Prof. Dr. Hubriski extols the virtue of 'ironic' tips for students which frequently display a poor command of Inglish.

6, "How to get rid of troublesome staff" - Emperor Wangski will be on hand in this session to threaten any member of staff who dares to exercise their right to academic freedom.

7. "How to use Moodle" - SESSION CANCELLED.

8. "How long before we set a speed record in our flying car?" - Lord Prof. Sir Fleshski Gordonski discusses his many trips to international racing events with the designs of his flying car. Please note, no actual flying cars will be presented, but a picture of a flying car fitted with a Fibalot Sex-ray will be presented. Lord Prof. Sir Fleshski Gordonski will point out that despite the non-appearance of actual flying cars, the opportunity to parade scantily-clad women and to recruit students on the promise of eventually getting close to a flying car presents a powerful business case. Please note, the professor will not answer the question about the speed record. 


Chris said...

Genius. This belongs in Private Eye :)

dkernohan said...

Spot on!